i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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