Hey man sorry I got all grabby
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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