A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
