At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
