He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
