I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
