i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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