I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
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She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
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Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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