I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
