Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
