Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
