Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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