so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
