life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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