so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
