Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
