Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
