the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
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I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
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You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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