how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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