My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
