So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
