My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
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I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
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I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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