my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
