the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
