GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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