Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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