She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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