My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
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Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
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I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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