The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
