Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
