I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
