I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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