her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he fucked my hip out of place.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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