I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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