I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I see more hoeing in ur future
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