Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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