I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
