like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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