this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
