Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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