It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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