he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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