Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
