Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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