Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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