I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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