I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
