Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
