i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
