I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
