I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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