I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
