Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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