I got chris browned last night
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
