He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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