There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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