yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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