I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
