Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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